De todo un poco!!

Humor informático


 Humor informático

Estos documentos los he conseguido en algún sitio, no preguntes dónde, porque ni sé ni creo que lo averigüe nunca. Pero el caso es que son divertidos, y están aquí para que te rías un poco. ¡Así que no hagas preguntas!🙂

 

como algunas cosas esta en ingles

 aqui tienen la vercion traducida >clik aqui<


Oda al C

From: stumpf@gtenmc.gtetele.com (Jon S. Stumpf)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny


	0x0d2C
      ==========

May your signals all trap
    May your references be bounded
All memory aligned
    Floats to ints rounded


Remember ...


Non-zero is true
    ++ adds one
Arrays start with zero
    and, NULL is for none


For octal, use zero
    0x means hex
= will set
    == means test


use -> for a pointer
    a dot if its not
? : is confusing
    use them a lot


a.out is your program
	there's no U in foobar
and, char (*(*x())[])() is
	a function returning a pointer
	to an array of pointers to
	functions returning char

--------------------------------------
 jss - Jon S. Stumpf

Programación orientada al vacío con C–

    NEW PRODUCT ANNOUNCEMENT:  'C' Language Regression Package
              Antiquity Spoffware Solutions
                    Announces

              C-- Void Oriented Programming

 Antiquity Spoffware Solutions is proud to announce its latest
   fully integrated software package for C programmers.   C Programmers
   for years now have been frustrated with a myriad of functions
   designed for almost sickening efficiency and control.  Any programmer
   knows that a language so flexible has its drawbacks:  Universality.
   C-- combines all the power of BASIC, the readability of COBOL, and the
   wealth of string and graphics functions associated with FORTRAN.
   C-- does away with floats and doubles, chars and ints and
   manipulates data entirely in LONG integer form (for portability.)

	Here are some examples:

   /* This program generates an integer-oriented


#include <cmm.h>
#LOADREGULARCLIBRARYFUNCTION (STDIO.H)


MAIN *OPENCURLYBRACKETPOINTINGLEFT

   PRINTFORMATTEDOUTPUT ( "DEMONSTRATION OF C-- FUNCTIONS" ) SEMICOLON

	LET THENUMBER A EQUAL 10 SEMICOLON
	LET THENUMBER B EQUAL 20 SEMICOLON

	IF A .LT. B THEN DO SINGLEFUNCTION
		PRINTFORMATTEDOUTPUT( NUMBER, STRING, A, "IS SMALLEST" )
		    SEMICOLON
	OTHERWISE

	IF B .LT. B THEN DO SINGLEFUNCTION
		PRINTFORMATTEDOUTPUT( NUMBER, STRING, B, "IS SMALLEST" )
		    SEMICOLON
	OTHERWISE

	DO NOTHING SEMICOLON

*CLOSECURLYBRACKETPOINTINGRIGHT

   The above source, as you may have noticed, is not just a demonstration
   of the ASS software team's life-long persistance in the generation of
   efficient, compact, (and most of all) READABLE software.

   The tried and true principles behind line-buffered input are sure to
   delight the seasoned programmer.  C-- is sure to invoke images of
   keypunches and card readers and leave you happily chugging away at
   keyboard.

Write in C (letra de ‘Let it Be’ ligeramente modificada)

When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."


As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
"Write in C."


Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
LOGO's dead and buried,
Write in C.


I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.


If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.


Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC's not the answer.
Write in C.


Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C.

Letra de ‘Yesterday’ ligeramente modificada

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.


Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone
hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.


I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.


Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.


Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.

Ríete de …

Un helicóptero viajaba sobre Seattle cuando una avería eléctrica desactivó todo el equipo electrónico de navegación y comunicaciones. Debido a las nubes y la neblina, el piloto no podía determinar la posición del helicóptero ni hacia qué dirección estaba el aeropuerto.

El piloto vio un alto edificio, se dirigió hacia él, dio una vuelta alrededor, escribió un cartel a mano y lo mostró tras la ventana del helicóptero. El cartel decía "¿DÓNDE ESTOY?" en grandes letras.

La gente en el edificio elevado respondieron rápidamente al aparato: escribieron un gran cartel, y lo mostraron en una ventana. Su cartel decía "ESTÁ USTED EN UN HELICÓPTERO"

El piloto sonrió, saludó, miró en su mapa, determinó el curso para dirigirse al aeropuerto SEATAC, y aterrizó a salvo.

Una vez en tierra, el copiloto preguntó al piloto cómo el cartel de "ESTÁ USTED EN UN HELICÓPTERO" le ayudó a determinar su posición. El piloto respondió: "Sabía que tenía que ser el edificio de Microsoft porque me dieron una respuesta técnicamente correcta, pero completamente inútil".



Restaurante Microsoft

Esta fue la conversación en un restaurante llamado Microsoft.
————————————————————-
 
-Cliente:  Camarero!
-Camarero: Hola, me llamo Bill y soy su Camarero de Soporte. Cuál parece ser el problema?
-Cliente:  Hay una mosca en mi sopa!
-Camarero: Pruebe de nuevo, quizás ahora la mosca ya no esté.
-Cliente:  No, aún está ahí.
-Camarero: Quizás es la forma en la que usted usa la sopa; pruebe a comerla con tenedor.
-Cliente:  Aunque use el tenedor, la mosca sigue ahí.
-Camarero: Quizás la sopa no es compatible con el plato; qué clase de plato está usted usando?
-Cliente:  Un plato de SOPA!
-Camarero: Hmmm, eso debería funcionar. Quizás es un problema de configuración, cómo está configurado el plato?
-Cliente:  Usted me lo trajo en una bandeja, qué tiene esto que ver con la mosca en mi sopa?
-Camarero: Podría usted recordar todo lo que hizo antes de darse cuenta de la mosca estaba en su sopa?
-Cliente:  Me senté y pedí la Sopa del Día!
-Camarero: Ha considerado usted la posibilidad de actualizarse a la última Sopa del Día?
-Cliente: Tienen ustedes más de una Sopa del Día cada día?
-Camarero: Sí, la Sopa del Día se cambia cada media hora.
-Cliente:  Bien, de qué es la Sopa del Día disponible ahora?
-Camarero: La Sopa del Día actual es de tomate.
-Cliente:  Bien. Tráigame la sopa de tomate y la cuenta. Se me está haciendo tarde.

  [El camarero sale y vuelve con otro plato de sopa y la cuenta.]

 -Camarero: Aquí tiene, señor. La sopa y su cuenta.
-Cliente:  Esto es sopa de patatas.
-Camarero: Sí, la sopa de tomate no estaba todavía lista.
-Cliente:  Bueno, a estas alturas ya tengo tanta hambre que comer, cualquier cosa.

  [El camarero se va]

 -Cliente:  Camarero! Hay un mosquito en mi sopa!
                ———-
 La cuenta decía:

     Sopa del Día ………………………………………………. $ 5.00

     Actualización a la nueva Sopa del Día ……………. $ 2.50
     Acceso a soporte técnico ………………………………. $10.00

 ———————————————————
 El texto ha sido reproducido de un boletín que decía (literal):
"Textos traducidos, acentuados y formateados sin permiso de lo/s autore/s."
Pues eso.


	¿Sabías que Microsoft es una empresa ecologista?
	Sí, porque:
	1) Sus sistemas operativos son los sistemas operativos que menos
recursos usan del mercado
	2) Sus sistemas operativos son reciclables, ya que los cambian para
poder sacar otros nuevos al mercado, pero por dentro siguen siendo la misma
mierda

Microsoft:
	Micro$oft
	Microchof

Windows:
	Shell 3.1
	Juindozz
	Windoze
	Winblows

Windows '95:
	Estafa 95			(Swindlows '95/Rip off '95)
	Sistema aperitivo		(Aperitive system)
	Bill-guería

Windows NT:
	Windows No Tira
	Windows Ni Tocarlo

INet Explorer:
	INet Exploder

MS-DOS:
	MS-DOG
	Emulador de 8086		(8086 emulator)
	Mierda-Squerosa DOS		(Mass of Shit DOS)
	Microsoft Death Of your System

FAT:
	Fat you!
	Failure Allocation Table	(Tabla de localización de fallos)
	File Aleatorizating Table	(Tabla de aleatorización de ficheros)
	Fucking Accidental Table	(Tabla "fastidiosamente" accidental/accidentada)
	Failure Abducted Table		(Tabla de fallos abducida)
	File Abomination Table		(Tabla de abominación de archivos)
	File Abortion Table		(Tabla de aborto de archivos)
	Failure Abundant Table		(Tabla abundante en fallos)


Algunos de estos insultos son obra del colega Víctor Martín 'Akira', y yo me he inventado todos los de la FAT y los de MS-DOS menos el primero. El resto los he encontrado en documentos, sobre todo de Linux, o en la lista de chistes de la ULPGC ¿A que no te atreves a usar este link?


Macs vs Unix

by Mike Berry, April 11th 1995

UNIX: cd /usr/local/etc/httpd/cgi-bin/registration

MAC : 	click on usr
	find, then click on local
	find, then click on etc
	find, then click on httpd
	find, then click on cgi-bin
	find, then click on registration
	fuck, windows all over the place.
	close usr
	close local
	close etc
	close httpd
	close cgi-bin

	oh, wait, a shortcut!!!

	"Apple"-F : find registration
	wait
	wait some more
	"show" registration
	close find application


UNIX:   cp test.txt /

MAC :   Click on "test.txt"
	Then hold down the "option" key
	if (disk_icon is visible) 
	  {
	    drag(test.txt to disk_icon)
	  }
        else
          {
	   let go of the "option" key 
	   move everything around sporadically until disk_icon appears
	    drag(test.txt to disk_icon)
  	  }


UNIX: rm test
MAC : if (you_know_the_super_special_i'd_tell_you_but_i'd_have_to_kill_you_top_secret_key_combination) 
	{
	  then do_it;
	}
      else
	{
	  if (you_can_see_the_trashcan) 
		{
		  drag "test" to trashcan
		}
	  else
		{
		  move everything sporadically until you can 
		  see the trashcan
		}
	Click on Special->Empty Trash
	}


UNIX: emacs
MAC : simpletext

nuff said.


UNIX: rm -rf /*

MAC : Are you sure you want to do this? y
No, really, Are you sure you want to do this?y
No, really, can we call your parents first?n
I don't really think you meant to do that. y
No, really, Are you sure you want to do this?y
Perhaps we should discuss the files, one by one.
I think we're getting a divorce.y
"I ... love ... trash" (stupid sesame street extension)
Sorry, system folder is in use.  Quit application?y
Sorry, cannot quit system folder. 
Sorry, Item "Trash" cannot be removed because has items in it that
are in use.


Foto cachonda

The Unix Hierarchy of Being

People who come into contact with the Unix system are often told, "If you have trouble, see so-and-so, he’s a guru", or "Bob there is a real Unix hacker."

What is a "Unix Wizard"? How does he differ from a "guru"?

To explore these and other questions, here is a draft of the "The Unix Hierarchy":

NAME      DESCRIPTION AND FEATURES

Beginner  - insecure with the concept of a terminal
          - has yet to learn the basics of vi
          - has not figured out how to get a directory
          - still has trouble with typing RETURN
            after each line of input

Novice    - knows that "ls" will produce a directory
          - uses the editor, but calls it "vye"
          - has heard of "C" but never used it
          - has had a bad experience with rm
          - is wondering how to read mail
          - is wondering why the person next door
            seems to like Unix so very much

User      - uses vi and nroff, but inexpertly
          - has heard of regular expressions but
            never seen one
          - has figured out that "-" precedes options
          - has attempted to write a C program, but
            decided to stick with Pascal
          - is wondering how to move a directory
          - thinks that dbx is a brand of stereo component
          - knows how to read mail and is wondering how
            to read the news

Knowledgeable
User          - uses nroff with no trouble, and is beginning
            to learn tbl and eqn
          - uses grep to search for fixed strings
          - has figured out that mv(1) will move directories
          - has learned that "learn" doesn't help
          - somebody has shown him how to write
            C programs
          - once used sed but checked the file afterwards
          - watched somebody use dbx once
          - tried "make" but used spaces instead of tabs

Expert    - uses sed when necessary
          - uses macros in vi, uses ex when necessary
          - posts news at every possible opportunity
          - is still wondering how to successfully reply
            to mail
          - writes csh scripts occasionally
          - writes C programs using vi and compiles
            with make
          - has figured out what && and || are for
          - uses fgrep because somebody said it
            was faster

Hacker    - uses sed and awk with comfort
          - uses undocumented features of vi
          - writes C code with "cat >" and compiles with
            "!cc"
          - uses adb because he doesn't trust source
            debuggers
          - figured out how environment variables are
            propagated
          - writes his own nroff macros to supplement the
            standard ones
          - writes Bourne shell scripts
          - installs bug fixes from the net
          - uses egrep because he timed it

Guru      - uses m4 and lex with comfort
          - writes assembler code with "cat >"
          - uses adb on the kernel while the system
            is loaded
          - customizes Unix utilities by patching the source
          - reads device driver source with breakfast
          - uses "ed" because "ex" is a Berkeleyism
          - can answer any Unix question after a little
            thought
          - uses make for anything that requires two or
            more commands
          - has learned how to breach security but no longer
            needs to try
          - is putting James Woods/Henry Spencer egrep
            into his next Unix release

Wizard    - writes device drivers with "cat >"
          - fixes bugs by patching the binaries
          - posts his changes to Unix utilities to the net,
            and they work
          - can tell what question you are about to ask,
            and answers it
          - writes his own troff macro packages
          - is on a first-name basis with Dennis, Bill,
            and Ken


Paquete de funciones de cierto profesor/profesora de la ULPGC

#include <stdio.h>
#include <stdlib.h>
#include <sys/signal.h>
#include <string.h>

#define GANAS_DE_SONREIR	2

int explicar (char conseto[])
{
	signal (S_STACKOVERBOOKING, sonrisa_tonta);
	printf ("%s es... es... ¿cómo se llama?\n", conseto);

	if (!fin(conseto))
		explicar (otro_conseto);	/* llamada recursiva */
	else {
		if (random(100) > GANAS_DE_SONREIR) {
			sonrisa_tonta ();
			cara_tonta ();
			printf ("amor... tización\n");	/* Decimos algo con amor */
			mover (pulgares, TOPE_GUAY);	/* Gesto con los pulgares */
			printf ("topeeeee...\n");	/* tope-guay */
		}

		return -1;
		/* Si se ha terminado la explicación, algo falla */
	}
}



int contestar_alumno (char pregunta[])
{
	if (!saber(respuesta(pregunta))) {
		fprintf (stderr, "Es que eso es muy complicado para que ustedes\n");
		fprintf (stderr, "lo entiendan...\n");	/* Salimos por la tangente */
		return -1;
	} else {
		explicar (conseto(pregunta));

		/* Si ejecutamos lo siguiente explicar devolvió -1 */
		if (alumno.decir() == "dinero") {
			printf ("Muy bien. Lo has entendido\n");
			printf ("Una palabra muy bonita\n");
		} else {
			for (int i = 0; i < 5; i++) printf ("no...\n");
			dar_paso_de_Michael_Jackson ();
		}

		return 0;
	}
}




int escribir (FILE *pizarra, char *consetos[])
{
	set_font_size (4);
	set_font_style (symbol);

	for (int i = 0; i < random(50); i++) fprintf (pizarra, consetos[i]);

	if (alumnos.ponercara(no_entiendo_nada)) return 0;
	else if (alumnos.ponercara(aahhh_ya_entiendo)) return -1;
}

Hipótesis sobre el significado de IBM

	Idiots Build Me				(Me construyeron unos idiotas)
	Inferior But Marketable			(Inferior aunque vendible)
	It's Better Manually			(Mejor hazlo a mano)
	Insidious Black Magic			(Magia negra insidiosa/acechante)
	It's Been Malfunctioning		(Ha estado funcionando mal)

	Excepto el primero, todos han sido extraidos del Jargon File, versión
4.0.0 del 24 de julio del 96.

MCSA (Más chistes sobre acrónimos)

MICROSOFT    Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software
             Only Fools Teenagers
APPLE        Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
WINDOWS      Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
DOS          Defective Operating System
MACINTOSH    Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating
             System Hangs
PENTIUM      Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrectly
             Understanding Mathematics
BASIC        Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM          I Blame Microsoft
DEC          Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM       Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2         Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW          World Wide Wait
COBOL        Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
AMIGA        A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
LISP         Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
MIPS         Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
SCSI         System Can't See It
GIRO         Garbage In Rubbish Out
ISDN         It Still Does Nothing
PCMCIA       People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

Sacados de la lista de chistes de la ULPGC, cortesía del colega
Akira

IMAGINE (John Lennon)

Imagine there's no Windows,
It's easy if you try.
No fattal errors or new bugs
To kill your hard drives.

Imagine Mr. Bill Gates
Leaving us in peace!

Imagine neverending hard disks,
It isn't hard to do.
Nothing to del or wipe off
And no floppy too

Imagine Mr. Bill Gates
Sharing all his money.

You may say I'm a hacker,
But I'm not the only one.
I hope someday you'll join us
And your games will fit in RAM

Imagine 1-Giga RAM
I wonder if you can.
No need for left-shifts or setups
And no booting again and again.

Imagine all the systems
Working all life-time!

You may say I'm a hacker,
But I'm not the only one.
Maybe someday I'll be a cracker
And then I'll make Windows run.

Addicted To Vi (with apologies to Robert Palmer)

You press the keys with no effect,
Your mode is not correct.
The screen blurs, your fingers shake;
You forgot to press escape.
Can't insert, can't delete,
Cursor keys won't repeat.
You try to quit, but can't leave,
An extra "bang" is all you need.

You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"--
Oh yeah?
You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die
You know you're gonna have to face it;
You're addicted to vi!

You edit files one at a time;
That doesn't seem too out of line?
You don't think of keys to bind--
A meta key would blow your mind.
H, J, K, L?  You're not annoyed?
Expressions must be a Joy!
Just press "f", or is it "t"?
Maybe "n", or just "g"?

Oh--You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"--
Oh yeah?
You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die
You know you're gonna have to face it;
You're addicted to vi!

Might as well face it,
You're addicted to vi!

You press the keys without effect,
Your life is now a wreck.
What a waste!  Such a shame!
And all you have is vi to blame.

Oh--You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"--
Oh yeah?
You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die
You know you're gonna have to face it;
You're addicted to vi!

Might as well face it,
You're addicted to vi!

Copyright 1989, by Chuck Musciano.  All Rights Reserved.

Windows(tm) ’95 source-code!!!!!

/*
                        TOP SECRET Microsoft(c)  Code
                        Project:          Chicago(tm)

  Projected release-date:

  Summer 1994^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^HSpring 1995

*/

#include "win31.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"


/*
  Reference:
  Internal memo #99281-95 from:
                        William H. Gates III
                            to:
                        Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project

  William H. Gates III wrote:
  "I have serious doubts about the 'EASY' installation-definition.
   It might prevent customers to think that they actually bought something
   _good_. Therefore I want the installation-definition to be 'HARD'.


                                                Carry on,
                                                        God^H^H^HBill
  "
*/
#define INSTALL = HARD

void main()
{
        while(!CRASHED)
        {
                display_copyright_message();
                display_bill_rules_message();
                do_nothing_loop();
                if(first_time_installation)
                {
                        make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
                        do_nothing_loop();
                        totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
                        search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
                        hang_system();
                }
                write_something(anything);
                display_copyright_message();
                do_nothing_loop();
                do_some_stuff();
                if(still_not_crashed)
                {
                        display_copyright_message();
                        do_nothing_loop();
                        basically_run_windows_3.1();
                        do_nothing_loop();
                        do_nothing_loop();
                }
        }

/*
  Reference:
  Internal memo #99683-95 from:
                        Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project
                            to:
                        William H. Gates III

  Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project wrote:
  "Dear Sir,
   Since we have found that this last piece of code within the 'if'-statement
   will never execute, we descided NOT to include it in the final code.
   This way we will save atleast another 5 megabytes of consumer-diskspace!

                        Thank you for listening to us,
                            the executive managers of the Chicago(tm)-project
  "
*/
/*
        if(still_not_crashed)
        {
                write_cheer();
                finished();
        }
*/
        create_general_protection_fault();
}

Código del Windows 95 (y 2)

                   TOP SECRET MICROSOFT CODE

#include <nonsense.h>
#include <lies.h>
#include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include <process.h> /* For the court of law */

#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version

void main()
{
  if (latest_window_version>one_month_old) {
    if (there_are_still_bugs)
    market(bugfix);
    if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
      raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
  }
  while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
  {
    make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in lie.h */
    if (rumours_grow_wilder)
      make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
    if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
    {
      market_time=ripe;
      say("It will be ready in one month);
      order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
      order(programmers,start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
      order(marketingstaff,permission_to_spread_nonsense);
      vapourware=TRUE;
      break;
      }
  }
  switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress) {
    case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
      say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
      break;
    case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
      say("Yes it will work");
      ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
      pretend(there_is_no_problem);
      break;
    case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
      say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
          "the 32 bits architecture");
      inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
      inform(SAMSUNG, "Start anew memorychip plant"
        "'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
      inform(QUANTUM,"Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
      get_big_bonus(INTEL,SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
      break;
    case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
      say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for everyone");
      register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
      when(time_is_ripe)
      {
        arrest(journalist);
        brainwash(journalist);
        when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree) {
          order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
          release (journalist);
        }
      }
      break;
  }
  while (vapourware)
  {
    introduction_date++; /* Delay */
    if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
      break;
    say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
  }
  release(beta_version)
  while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware) {
    bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
    release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
    introduce(more_memory_requirements);
    if (customers_report_installation_problems) {
      say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
      if(smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play) {
        ignore(customer);
        order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this bastard");
      }
    }
    if (there_is_another_company)
    {
      steal(their_ideas);
      accuse(company, stealing_our_ideas);
      hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
      wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
      buy_out(other_company);
    }
  }
/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at
us */
  order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
  buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
  laugh_at(everyone,
     for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
}


void bugfix(void)
{
  charge (a_lot_of_money)
  if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
    say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
  if (still_complaints)
  {
    ignore(customer);
    register(customer, big_Bill_book);
    /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
  }
}

You can’t parse this (You can’t touch this)

my assignments hit me so hard
make me say, "oh my lord
thank you for blessin me
with a load to code and a 2 hype seat"
right here, in front of a Sparc
looks good in the light, looks better in the dark
but it tells me -  in a manner quite harsh
"This is a string I can't parse"

(I told ya, kludge-boy)
Can't Parse This
(yea, a fatal error and you know)
Can't Parse This
(look at that code, maaaan)
Can't Parse This
(yo lemme bust some funky diagnostics)

"fresh new bugs, and errors
your code is more than compiler terror
it's rotten - to the core
i don't like it but you know i'll get more
than i can handle
hold on
identifier not found or your semicolon's gone
step back - step back
can't you see i'm developing a crack
in my hardware - your code's a farce
cause this is a string I Can't Parse"

(yo i told ya)
Can't Parse This
(why you sittin there, man)
Can't Parse This
(yo, sound the terminal bell, ya got mail, sucka)

compile-time bugs disrupt my rhythm
it's tellin me trash is what i'm givin him
it's garbage, in and out
but instead of a nice little a.out
i get feedback
fed back
to me by this here RISC machine
no fun
what's it gonna take in the 90s to run these programs
4GLs?
either learn those or wind up in hell

that's longWORD because you know
Can't Parse This
Can't Parse This

top-down!

Stop!  Compile Time!

go with the flow
it is said if you can't write in C then you probably are dead
so wave K&R in the air
waste a few nights, run your fingers thru your hair
this is it
no dinner - code like this and you'll surely get thinner
sitting 
on your rump
watch your machine cause it's gonna do a dump
dump dump dump (core dumped)

Can't Parse This
Can't Parse This
(ya better get Turbo cause I can't)
I Can't Parse This
(ring the bell, your mail's been returned)

shutdown!

Stop!  Link Time!

Can't Parse This
Can't Parse This
Can't Parse This

slowdown!
Stop!  Run Time!

every time I program
it complains about my code
maybe i'm in the wrong book or Emacs is in the wrong mode
now i know that i'll never stop doing this
cause our 3rd party software keeps on giving us fits
i did an RTFM
read K&R all day
it's "Error!" "Big Error!" "Nasty Error!" "FATAL ERROR!"
so instead i'll go and play

Can't Parse This
Can't Parse This
I Can't Parse This
(yeah)
Can't Parse This
(i told ya, wahoos,)
Can't Parse This
(too many symbols)
Can't Parse This
(yo, we're outa here)
Can't P-- bus error (core dumped)

(c) 1991 Radio Free Lerxstwood

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